So, I leave in two days (almost one- yikes!) for Japan, and I am positively terrified. I feel depressed, and I haven’t eaten anything substantial in the last three days, and when I think about food, or am offered it, I feel sick. I don’t sleep well, and I panic when I contemplate how I will be relatively cut off from my normal environment.
I wanted to go desperately in the spring, and when that fell through because of the tsunami and earthquake and radiation troubles, I immediately reapplied for study-abroad in the fall. Little did I know that, as the summer passed, my enthusiasm for the trip would dwindle down to approximately nothing. I assume it had something to do with the fact that, if I try as hard as I can to get something, and it’s practically within reach, and suddenly it’s taken away from me and then offered again, I just don’t want it anymore. Of course, it doesn’t help that I haven’t seen most of my friends in over half a year, I now have a boyfriend who I absolutely do not want to be parted from, and I’ve made new friends in my college town who have shown me an entirely different world which I would rather explore now than have to leave temporarily in order to explore a place that’s, quite literally, in another part of the world.
People keep convincing me to go, however, as this is something that I strove to make possible for years. I wish I could regain the exhilaration that I harbored prior to this summer…maybe I will have to be there for that to happen.
I’m relieved that this trip is going to pass rapidly, and that it’s only for 14 weeks, which, in the great span of life, is barely a blink of the eye. I know it will be tough, and that I will feel lonely and abandoned and trapped, and that I will want desperately to go home and be with those I love. I just hope…I very, very much hope…that those people who I feel close to, who act as solid pillars of support, comfort, and happiness, will not decide to forget about me…as I certainly will not forget about them while there to any degree- I have to come to all of you anyways, don’t I? lol
My goal there is not only to research for my senior thesis, or to develop a deeper understanding of my second language or my chosen university major, but to grow and evolve as a person. A very close friend - a sister of sorts- described to me briefly that her experience studying abroad (while in a similar situation, regarding being temporarily separated from her significant other and closest friends) gave her her the push that she needed to finish growing up.
I realized after hearing what she said that, while I will not come back a different creature by any means, I will come back as a more well-rounded, more tolerant, more forgiving, more ‘myself’, if you will, type of person. I have a feeling I will have a better understanding regarding the significance of life- and how diverse, how exciting, and how precious it is. That while my goals for my career options, or my outlook on the world, will become more specific and well-developed, but myself as a person will not have changed. While being on my own will be a test in many ways, experiencing firsthand an ordeal such as this will strengthen my ability to be independent, to be happy, as well as my friendships, relationships, and interactions with all walks of life.
I now know that, while I will discover new interests and new friends, I will still enjoy the things that I enjoy, I will still partake in the hobbies I have, and I will still love and cherish the people who matter to me right now. Perhaps…even more so.
I want to thank everyone who has been supportive, no matter in what way they have been, whether it was urging me to go because they regretted not doing it, or advising me to because they did and they loved it, or simply requesting I go because it is necessary, for one reason or another. I shall try and make the best of this experience, and I will return with more knowledge, more wisdom, and more understanding (as well as goodies, of course). I will not let a single one of you down, regardless of your reason for urging me to go, and I will come back a better version of myself after my short little 14-week-trip. It’s not forever, right? It’s not even close. =)
So please contact me as often as you wish, and I will be back in my own little NY habitat (and Boston for Christmas! The plans are already in the works) by December 18th. (And on a separate note- Brandeis/Wellesley/BU/RISD/college people, just because you have finals then does NOT give you the excuse to not see me if I hang around the campuses then. =P)
As the Japanese, say, ja mata - see you later. I refuse to say sayonara because I’m not saying goodbye. Goodbye is too definite of a word, and it’s not that long of a time anyways. So じあまた, everyone! I’ll be back soon enough, and once again together with every single person I care about.
I promise.
